Matcha Coconut Butter Cups

photo by Sidney Bensimon

I’ve been sitting here trying to write something good and happy, but I can’t think of anything at all. Can I be real with you?

These days have been hard for me. I’ve lost a couple individuals near a dear to me. Instead of mourning privately, I thought I’d try something entirely new, and honor my lost loved ones here.

Then I’ll get to the recipe for those matcha butter cups…

First one I lost was a little lady I loved very much. We didn’t see each other often, but when we did she would wiggle herself silly, and put her little precious face up to mine. She never licked like most doggies kiss, she kept her mouth closed and barely would touch my face. Still, her affection and love was all there.

Her name was Peaches. She was one of our family’s many 4 legged members. Like many before her, my mom found her and her brother, Sidney, walking alone along the side of the road down in Norcross, Georgia. They were little puppies, no older than 3 months, and they were sick and filled with worms. Still, no amount of worms could keep us from loving those sweet puppies.

Peaches died at the end of March. She had cancer. She had been diagnosed with a malignant tumor nearly 5 years prior, but it caught up to her just at the end of 2014. I’ve never met a fighter like Peaches. She fought to be the top girl in the group of my family’s much bigger dogs, and she fought to stay alive. I’ve missed her wiggles every day since.

And then it happened again. We lost another one. I lost a part of my heart, Bertucci––who I named after the restaurant when I was a kid.

We knew it was bound to happen, everybody dies eventually, don’t they? And yet I wasn’t prepared. Like Peaches, it was far too soon. I said goodbye to him the last time I saw him in March; just in case I wouldn’t see him again. Bertucci was nearly 16 years old. He was born when I was in middle school, and out of the 5 other teeny tiny puppies he was the one I chose to keep. His intelligence and personality was apparent, even to a 12-year-old girl, when he was just a day old. I wanted him in my life forever.

The first night we brought him home he threw up in my bed. Within a couple weeks he had become like a brother to me. He was caring, wise, loving, gentle, entertaining, and so handsome. I miss him everyday. And though I didn’t see him often, I feel his absence within me.

I’ve never been one to mourn in public. I’m terrified of being judged for my pain. When a dog would die when I was growing up, I couldn’t go to school for days. Nor could I tell my friends what had happened. My dogs were my siblings, and I didn’t think anyone else could understand. I’ve never shared a death on Sweet Potato Soul, but today I think I’ve been inspired by another blogger’s tribute to her lost loved one. Plus, I don’t want to pretend that I don’t have any problems or pains. I do, and they cut deep.

More importantly, my Peaches and Bertucci deserve to be remembered. My love for them will always remain.

When I’m sad, anxious, or depressed I reach for chocolate. Then I discovered that matcha, my new liquid obsession, is helpful for combating depression and anxiety. Then I found this Matcha Butter Cup recipe by blogger Molly Yeh that combines the two. It’s the perfect happy combination.

Enjoy!